I got married. I started a new chapter in my life.
I was embarking on a new journey with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I never wanted to be married. Too many marriages end up in divorce and I just didn’t want to go through the pain and suffering. And then I met him. My whole world got turned upside down. Suddenly I was full of hope. Hope of a greater life for me because I had someone to share it with. Hope of someone who would love me no matter what (or at least put up with me a little). We promised each other that no matter what, through good times and bad, that we would be there for each other. blah blah blah.
Well that came to an abrupt end a few months ago. All that hope thrown away like yesterdays trash. I felt like I was thrown out like yesterdays trash.All my fears came true. Yes, I would soon be a statistic. I know I am not perfect. I know I could have been a better wife. A better person. But what happened to those promises? How does someone give up on a relationship 2 years ago and not say anything? Why would you want to suffer like that? 2 years is a really long time to live with someone and not love them anymore. Why wasn’t there a fight to work on the relationship? I don’t know. How the hell can you just give up? I don’t understand. I just don’t get it.
These are the thoughts that I think about all day and everyday. I freaking cry almost everyday. I am tired of crying. I wish I could say I wouldn’t cry anymore but I know that would be a lie. How does one get over the betrayal? Yes, I feel betrayed. He may feel the same way but at this point I don’t care. I am more concerned about me. Call me selfish. I don’t care.
So as of right now, on my 7th anniversary, I am moving on. I can’t do anything to change his mind. I need to to do what I need to do to fix me and get over it. I have let this situation take control of me and have gained 10 pounds. I actually had to buy bigger pants. I am taking control back of my life. I don’t know how I am going to do it but I am. My pity party is officially over. (Yes, I know there will be bad days). I have to learn to like myself again. Not for anyone else but for me.
The greatest power that we have in life is….CHOICE.
I am choosing at this point to take control.
I am choosing to control what I put in my mouth.
I am choosing to commit to exercising 5 days a week.
I am choosing to get over this failed relationship.
I am choosing to learn to like myself again.
I am having surgery on my foot on Friday March 25.
This is a good thing, it will just delay some plans for a month or 2.
I am losing my insurance at the end of this month so me and the doc decided that having the surgery now as opposed to later is a good thing, especially considering the success I had on my other foot.
The surgery is for plantar fasciitis. It’s fairly routine and common and I am not worried at all. I will be excited to do the things I love without pain.
I am not going to let this deter me from my goals. It may slow them down but that’s it. I just have to remind my self that there are other things I can do besides run and stuff. I can work on my strength training (upper body and core). After a couple of weeks I should be able to ride a recumbent bike.
And the one thing I really need to focus on during that time is EATING CLEAN !!!!! That alone is going to make a huge difference.
So my present short term goal is to work as hard as I can for the next 2 weeks and lose 8 pounds. I will weigh myself in the morning to determine my starting weight.
I am excited!!!!
What I hope to accomplish in 12 weeks:
Get below 200 pounds
- Get my eating under control. I eat way too much fast food which I can’t really afford. I eat way too much sugar which is poison to the body. I eat way too many white starchy bready things. I eat way too much processed stuff.
- Be consistent in exercising. Just because I can’t do kickboxing and run right now doesn’t mean I can’t do other things. I need to get my ass in the gym, plain and simple.
- Lose the chaos in my home life. I know it sounds crazy but I am living like a crazy woman. I don’t have alot of furniture so a great amount of stuff is in boxes. I have to get step over boxes, move around boxes just to get to stuff. This is no longer acceptable to me. It makes me feel out of control. Feeling out of control is not a good thing.
So here is a to a new journey and to a new me.
Well that’s going to be the old me.
But seriously I can make an excuse for everything.
I can take one problem and use it that as an excuse for several other things. Kinda stupid huh? I’m going through a divorce so it’s OK for me to eat what I want. Seriously? What am I thinking. I feel like an idiot. I have a hurt foot that I may be getting surgery on and my big excuse lately is that if I can’t do the things I love then I won’t do anything at all. I love “wogging” (walking/jogging) and kickboxing but I can’t do those things right now. I get bored on the eliptical and the bike. But it shouldn’t matter. I have goals to get to and if I have to be bored on those 2 machines right now than so be it. It’s only temporary.
And I quit and give up way easily. If I eat something bad I quit. I tell myself that I will start Sunday or Monday or whatever day sounds like a good start date. In the middle of a workout if it hurts I’ll back off.
My trainer Ben sat me down the other day and had a serious talk with me. For a young’un he can be kinda smart sometimes. He said some things that really hit home for me.
As a result of my my excuses, quitting, self-pity, laziness, etc I am pretty much back to where I started. I am up several pounds to a whopping 235.4. My work pants barely fit (and I can’t afford any bigger ones). I get winded walking up the stairs. A hike last month left me miserable. The insanity has to stop.
So as of today at this moment there is no more making excuses. And definitely no more quitting.
Well once again I feel like I am starting over at square one.
But you know what….it’s OK. Eventually I will get it it right.
I was inspired to start this blog by a blog put out a challenge
Strong is the New Skinny
Right now is the perfect time for me to learn to be strong. Not only in body but in mind and soul as well. I am 41 years old with a husband who informed me that he gave up on our relationship 2 years ago. (thanks for informing me). So I kind of going through an emotional crisis on that front. I am also about 100 pounds overweight. So the negative thoughts about my body aren’t helping anything at all.
So here I am, at a crossroads, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up 🙂
~ I want to be a positive person.
~ I want to be a fit person.
~ I want to be a person that inspires other people.
~ I want to be a strong person.